Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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