Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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I got inside last night via doggy door
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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