So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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