sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
