you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
