So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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