Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
