Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
