my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
