Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i drank out of a bidet.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
