omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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