new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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