I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
