so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
