I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
