I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
