Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do vagina's smell?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
