My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
