Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
