I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
