His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
