Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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