I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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