saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
