The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
