Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
being pregnant is like rehab
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
