My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Vodka?
Forever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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