tonight lets celebrate not being married
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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