I haven't been this sober since birth.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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