Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
