My cat gives me a boner
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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