yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
