Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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