oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
