Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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