I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
