I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
