Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
