apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
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He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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