What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
