I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
