by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
