I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
