from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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