"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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