Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
