I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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