I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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