wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
