I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
