i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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