im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
