Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
