You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
