when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will pee on everything he values.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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