you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
